If you think you’re a smart homebody – you loathe the idea of leaving your gadget-packed house, and the prospect of flipping the light switch for yourself seems positively Neanderthal – you’re probably on the money. Check out our handy guide to be certain (just make sure you do it from home).
1. You & Alexa need counselling to reconcile your differences
Amazon’s voice control system is certainly a smart piece of tech. Sometimes Alexa mishears you, though, and embarrasses you in front of your mates by playing Mambo No. 5 when you specifically requested Arcade Fire. Part of you suspects she did it on purpose.
2. Spotify playlists > clubbing
The thing about people, right, is that they’re fundamentally okay, except for when they stand, talk, dance or do anything in your immediate vicinity. A perfectly curated Spotify playlist (streamed to your multi-room speakers) on the other hand, has a very keen sense of personal space. Indie Drive Time Classics, how we love thee.
3. You can no longer watch TV in the kitchen
Smart home appliances are being used by the police during criminal investigations, given that they record and monitor goings-on around the house. Basically, your fridge is a super-detective, all well and good until you’re watching CSI: Miami and the fridge door opens to point at an onscreen suspect and say matter-of-factly: “He did it.”
4) It’s smart light bulbs or GTFO for you
Yes, you experience tangible dread at the idea of actually standing up to turn on a light switch with your clammy, unevolved human hands. It’s Philips Hue smart light bulbs or nothing for you, my technologically advanced and silky fingered friend.
5) The Jetsons is your idea of a documentary
Robot henchmen doing your chores around the house? Check? Appliances that decide what you want? Check! A car that, somehow and against all conceivable logic, folds up into a suitcase? Erm, okay, let’s come back to that one.
6) The smart alarm system has you covered
Wi-fi-connected security systems are keeping up homebodies safe in 2018. With the likes of the Nest Secure system in place, Tom Cruise himself could abseil into your living room and that poor dope would have the alarm wailing before you can say, “I thought Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation was pretty good, but the title had way to much punctuation.”
7) And your Canary cam records 24/7
The endless hours of footage from your indoor security camera look like the most boring Paranormal Activity movie ever made.
8) Your bin is boss
You literally haven’t bought toiletries in a year because your GenieCan bin-bot automatically reorders all the ones you throw out. Which is cool, except it means you now see a lot less of that person you fancy who works down the supermarket, and you will now be forever alone in your semi-self-sufficient smart home, entombed in an emotionally crippling gilded cage of your own making. On the plus side, the toilet roll buys itself!
9) You’re a thrifty streamer
Cancelled your Netflix subscription after watching all of Black Mirror so that you can start up Amazon Prime and plough your way through Transparent? And then cancelled that so you sign up to Now TV and gorge on Sky Atlantic goodness? Holy moly – you’re a homebody genius!
10) You’re becoming difficult to live with
The U shower system from Moen allows you to control the temperature of the water via your smartphone. Let’s see how long your self-indulgent housemate stays in the shower now.
11) Colour co-ordination is the bane of your existence
Yes, you spent upwards of one hour thinking about literally nothing but the colour options on your Amazon Echo. Not a single thought in your homebody head besides: “Does the Oak Finish complement or clash with the coffee table?” A troubling question that you will never truly answer.
12) You bought a waterproof tracker - for the bath
The local swimming pool is always packed and everyone knows homebodies like to keep themselves to themselves. In the tub, though, there’s only ever room for you and your trusty Fitbit Flex 2 which knows no other waters. Splash splash.
13) There has been a Bluetooth speaker incident
Your visiting friend was in the bath. You did not realise that your waterproof UE Boom 2 speaker was in the bathroom with them and was still synched to the laptop on which you were watching the opening scene of Jaws. They screamed, you burst in to see what the problem was, you’re gonna need a bigger boat to accommodate the rift it caused between you.
14) Your last three holidays have been from the sofa
They say travel expands your mind. In the case of the smart home, where virtual reality holidays such as those available on the likes of HTC Vive and Oculus Rift mean you never even have to travel the distance from your sofa to the front door, it may expand your waistband, too.
15) In fact, you know now never to leave the house full stop
Because you did it once and a package was delivered in your absence. Your Ring Video Doorbell meant you could see the delivery person was outside your door and instruct them to leave the parcel with the neighbour. And then you remembered it was same neighbor that called the police after hearing all the screaming during the Bluetooth smartphone incident. And you thought: “Oh no, this is going to be awkward.” Homebody, you were not wrong.
16) Your AIs know you better than your family
Is it possible for a human to transition into a robot? Asking for a friend.
17) You still have dreams
A bathroom mirror that’s also a TV screen! An Amazon Echo skill that automatically tells you when there traffic’s bad so you’ll need to leave earlier for work! A freezer that bellows, “You’ve eaten frozen pizza for the past three nights, dude, make yourself a salad, show yourself some love.” All these – and more! – are absolute must-haves for the bonafide homebody.